Archive for nostalgia

Krull is the best movie ever it’s just you that sucks

Posted in free floating hostility with tags , , , , , on October 29, 2009 by apexofanger

That’s right.

Krull.

Alot of peeps look down on this action/adventure/sci-fi/fantasy mashup from the 80’s. It was dwarfed in popularity by a much more well known sci-fi epic also released in 83 called Return of the Jedi. Now don’t get me wrong I love the original trilogy as much as the next uber-nerd, but Krull is at least as good as Return, if not in some ways better….I’m sure there’s a throng of Lucasites now choking on the foam that was already building around their Twi’lek pseudopod licking lips so lets break it down…

The biggest issue people seem to have with Krull is the scene where our intrepid band of heroes uses a pack of wild horses capable of flight to make the several hundred league journey to the dark lord’s castle before it teleports away to an unknown location. For some reason suspension of disbelief is just alien at this point in a world were we have already established that sorcery is real. I don’t get it. So what there’s a scene with flying horses, there’s also a shapechanging magician, cyclops, demons, giant spiders, telekinetically controlled weapons, teleportation, doppleganger assassins and clairvoyant senior citizens. WHY THE FUCK ARE FLYING HORSES A PROBLEM IN THIS SETTING?!?!?!

Does the internal dialog of this realization go something like:

Fuck yeah cyclops’ are awesome………Holy shit that is one giant demon spider….wait….wait….WHAT THE FUCK FLYING HORSES?!?!?!?! WHAT MANNER OF WITCHERY WOULD THIS FILM HAVE ME BELIEVE IS POSSIBLE ON A FICTIONAL PLANET IN A HIGH FANTASY SETTING?!!?!?!?

If that does mirror what you feel when watching Krull then you have no recourse for being able to sit through an entire screening of Return of the Jedi either. If you can’t stomach flying horses then there’s no way you can even handle the Battle of Endor scene without going into an epileptic fit.

During the Battle of Endor a technologically superior force, capable of interstellar travel and the manufacture of a moon sized space station, is defeated by a group of 4 foot tall  100 lb teddy bears with the technological advancements cavemen.

TOTALLY IMPLAUSIBLE

TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE

LOLWUT?!?!?!

This scene is roughly equivalent in scale to me demolishing an abrams tank with a bocce ball set and some rope.

ME: Krull is a decent early 80’s sci-fi flick with a better than average cast and production values for the time

LUCASITE ASSBRAIN: LOL KRULL IS TEH GAY UR A FAGET WHO LOVES FLYING HORSES….HORSE CAN NOT FLY SILLY LADYBOY

ME: Yeah, so that scene where the ewoks blow up a pair of Imperial walkers with twigs, vines, and rocks….that could really happen right? Like if I showed up in the amazon and decided to decimate an uncontacted tribe with a tank….they’d put up an awesome fight with their blowguns and frog poison darts right?

LUCASITE ASSBRAIN: erk….uhm…FUCK YOU KRULL IS GHAY LULZ

Krull also had a decent cast and acting for the genre and time.

Freddie Jones – http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0428086/

Liam Neeson – http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000553/

Bernard Bresslaw – http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0107805/

Return had a a great cast too, but it also had the co-star from Nighthawks

FUCK YEAH!