Archive for the free floating hostility Category

it’s the little things

Posted in free floating hostility with tags , , , , , on July 1, 2010 by apexofanger

….that tempt you to fill a super soaker with gasoline and purge the world of dumb with holy fire….

  • Anyone who insists on introducing themselves as the 2nd or 3rd or whatever other denomination. I don’t give a good gutfuck if you happen to be Percy Clanston Whithermeyer III, and neither does anyone else! You know what they say about all sequels to movies being shittier than the originals?! Well that shit is true for people too fucker. You are the shitty replica of someone who came before you…..and they were probably alot cooler. I’m not saying it’s not endearing to be named after your grandfather who stormed Normandy or the like, but you know what? Save that story for when i’ve actually expressed an interest in your sordid family lineage…..I promise you’ll know when I actually care.
    • SUB POINT – if anyone ever introduces themselves as Blah Blah Esquire…’re officially allowed to expose their frontal lobe with an icepick
    • SUB POINT 2 – you don’t need to sign every fucking document with your little roman numeral reminder that your parents are uncreative dicksmokers, really you can just sign the dominoes receipt like a normal person..because I assure you that when the archaeologists of the eons unearth it, that the irony of you ordering a pizza with pepperoni on it while your grand daddy whom you are named after died behind a butcher’s shop with a salami log jammed up his butt in the 1950’s for being a communist will be lost on them.
  • Anyone over the age of 17 who can’t debate like an adult. I like to debate shit; whether it’s politics, religion, literature, movies, music you name it and I can forge a pointless hardline view from which to aggressively argue until blue in the face. It’s like a free adrenaline rush that doesn’t have to end with my face marred by a liberal application of concrete. But god damned if some of these chucklefucks haven’t learned to at least argue better than a primate. Typically when I start spouting off like a dick I at least support my theorem or opinion with SOME KIND OF DATA. You know like…..numbers or facts or maybe even a published article if i’m feeling really saucy. Usually about that time the orangutan on the other side of the debate will begin to fidget and talk increasingly louder as a defense mechanism. It’s funny to watch a grown adult devolve into a toddler right in front of your eyes as they resort to something that used to work on the playground. If you watch really close you can watch their arms twitch as their inner ape struggles to win the debate by shitting in their open palm and tossing it at your face. Really I’d have more respect for you if you just did that instead of just trying to yell over me.
    • SUB POINT – Arguing on the internet does not adhere to these rules. Search the archives of alt.troll for a full tutorial on this…..bring popcorn
    • SUB POINT 2 – Some of you self proclaimed geniuses may be suffering some cognitive dissonance as you asperger on the common expression that most facts are made up on the spot. Sure i’ll give you that, in fact i’ve prolly done it, but if you don’t have the mental agility to make up some better bullshit than me, then you still deserve to lose the argument.
  • Also while on the subject of aspies; anyone who has ridiculous fears or compulsions beyond the age of 4 should be encased in a room with that shit until either they swallow their own tongue or get the fuck over it. If you have a driver’s license, a debit card and are physiologically capable of procreating you aren’t allowed to be afraid of the sound of yellow OK?  It just doesn’t work like that. You want adult privileges yes? Well then I can’t have you obsessively counting the cirrus clouds on the drive to work and then frothing at the mouth when it’s not a prime number.



The Housewives of No Marketable Skills County

Posted in free floating hostility with tags , , , , on June 2, 2010 by apexofanger

So I’ve come to realization that these “Real Housewives of Wher-ever-the-fuck” shows are the absolute prime example of the downfall of Western Civilization.  Every single woman depicted on these shows is a shallow, self-aggrandizing gold-digger who doesn’t have an ounce of talent or any marketable skills to speak of other than popping out babies and letting nannies raise them.  Every single one of these bitches has followed the same basic plan of attack –

  • Marry into Money
  • Divorce poor schlub with money and take 50% of his net worth,  plus alimony and whatever else her grubby botox mitts can snag including houses, cars, boats etc
  • Marry into more money
  • Produce wretched, self-centered, generally vile acting offspring with a sense of entitlement Marie Antoinette can’t compete with
  • Repeat Step 2 if more money is needed to spend on moronic business ventures and/or shitty acting/singing careers

Miraculously no matter where the show is set (Orange County, New Jersey, Atlanta, New York) all of the women featured seem to have mastered this truly ingenious scheme. Below is only one stunningly embarrassing way these leeches spend the money they’ve sucked-fucked-divorced into.



PRO-TIP:  MONEY ALSO CANNOT BUY YOU A VOICE YOU SHALLOW TALENTLESS CUNT (also I hope standing next to all that expensive musical equipment that STILL CAN’T MAKE your awful excuse for a singing voice sound better, irradiates your uterus and renders you barren so can’t infect the world with anymore of your lineage)

She sounds like two cats fucking in an alley who get broken up by one of them slipping ass first into a blender. It’s truly fucking horrible. AND WHO THE FUCK IS THAT PRODOUCHER?!?! Later in the clip he exclaims how awesome she sounds and then without missing a fucking ass-kissing breath as he no doubt rakes in several hundred dollars of her ‘hard earned’ cash unbelievably compares her..



Let that shit sink in for a second. Seriously that piece of shit is a walking, talking example of the AIDS in the music industry I bet he also praises Fallout Boy for not selling out and wants to intern for P-Diddy so he can really get a taste of what the industry is like. Hopefully this dickfuck catches a stray 9mm in the face whilst standing in front of the Virgin superstore in Times Square debating the finer points of Ashely Simpson’s vocal stylings.

I hope Madonna never sees that because I know if someone compared me to the Countess pictured above I’d want to suck on a buckshot milkshake real fucking fast.  Oh and yes you read that last sentence correctly. The caterwauling harpy in the above 15 seconds of pure aural torture goes by Countess.

THE COUNTESS OF WHAT BITCH??? You live in New York. This great magical land from which you hail as Countess must not be that awesome since you moved to fucking New York instead.  I like to imagine she hails from the far away Duchy of Leechcunt, where all Countesses learn the courtesan skills of spending other people’s money and talking shit about people she deems beneath her.

It is my sincere hope that after her thankless leech spawn have sucked at her golden tit well into their 40’s that they unceremoniously dump her dried up ass in the worst retirement home they can find. I hope she then gets the royal treatment she so deserves of eating oatmeal through a straw and shitting in an adult diaper for the remainder of her days.

Krull is the best movie ever it’s just you that sucks

Posted in free floating hostility with tags , , , , , on October 29, 2009 by apexofanger

That’s right.


Alot of peeps look down on this action/adventure/sci-fi/fantasy mashup from the 80’s. It was dwarfed in popularity by a much more well known sci-fi epic also released in 83 called Return of the Jedi. Now don’t get me wrong I love the original trilogy as much as the next uber-nerd, but Krull is at least as good as Return, if not in some ways better….I’m sure there’s a throng of Lucasites now choking on the foam that was already building around their Twi’lek pseudopod licking lips so lets break it down…

The biggest issue people seem to have with Krull is the scene where our intrepid band of heroes uses a pack of wild horses capable of flight to make the several hundred league journey to the dark lord’s castle before it teleports away to an unknown location. For some reason suspension of disbelief is just alien at this point in a world were we have already established that sorcery is real. I don’t get it. So what there’s a scene with flying horses, there’s also a shapechanging magician, cyclops, demons, giant spiders, telekinetically controlled weapons, teleportation, doppleganger assassins and clairvoyant senior citizens. WHY THE FUCK ARE FLYING HORSES A PROBLEM IN THIS SETTING?!?!?!

Does the internal dialog of this realization go something like:

Fuck yeah cyclops’ are awesome………Holy shit that is one giant demon spider….wait….wait….WHAT THE FUCK FLYING HORSES?!?!?!?! WHAT MANNER OF WITCHERY WOULD THIS FILM HAVE ME BELIEVE IS POSSIBLE ON A FICTIONAL PLANET IN A HIGH FANTASY SETTING?!!?!?!?

If that does mirror what you feel when watching Krull then you have no recourse for being able to sit through an entire screening of Return of the Jedi either. If you can’t stomach flying horses then there’s no way you can even handle the Battle of Endor scene without going into an epileptic fit.

During the Battle of Endor a technologically superior force, capable of interstellar travel and the manufacture of a moon sized space station, is defeated by a group of 4 foot tall  100 lb teddy bears with the technological advancements cavemen.




This scene is roughly equivalent in scale to me demolishing an abrams tank with a bocce ball set and some rope.

ME: Krull is a decent early 80’s sci-fi flick with a better than average cast and production values for the time


ME: Yeah, so that scene where the ewoks blow up a pair of Imperial walkers with twigs, vines, and rocks….that could really happen right? Like if I showed up in the amazon and decided to decimate an uncontacted tribe with a tank….they’d put up an awesome fight with their blowguns and frog poison darts right?


Krull also had a decent cast and acting for the genre and time.

Freddie Jones –

Liam Neeson –

Bernard Bresslaw –

Return had a a great cast too, but it also had the co-star from Nighthawks


Fuck your cat.

Posted in free floating hostility on June 22, 2009 by apexofanger

I don’t care about him/her/it.

It is without fail that everytime I enter the checkout line at the grocery store with some article of pet supplies in my shopping cart, that the person operating the cash register must ask:

“What kind of dog/cat do you have?”

And then, also without fail, launch into some mindless diatribe about their pet before I can even answer!!!  WTF?!!

I don’t give a shit about your mangy little beast! ESPECIALLY if it’s a cat! I hate cats. By and large they are all assholes and are completely disassociative unless they need something from you. Then they are loud and obnoxious and won’t hesitate to slice your shit up if it so pleases them or they think it will further their quest to eat tuna.

Listen here underpaid overworked grocery line clerk. I understand that you are desperate for diversion after a 15 hour day dealing with human hogs giving you shit cause they didn’t know the 30 cent coupon for lean pockets expired yesterday. I can see how that might create an impulse to see my cat litter and think

” he has a cat…..i have a cat!!! maybe he’s normal like ME!?!”

Trust me I am not. And you might has well have a MUTE button on your chubby chin when you start telling me about Sir Pussmunch or whatever other ridiculous name your animal has. My brain immediately dials out the sound of your monologue about how your cat/dog loves this/that and blahhhhhblahhhhblahhhhhhhh.

It becomes white noise to thoughts of what the backlash would be if I randomly punched the old lady behind me in the throat as a karmic FUCKYOU for Grandma Liverspot giving me lip in the wendy’s lunch line the week before. I don’t dial back in until I hear the words

” your total is..”

I slide my card and leave resisting the urge to tell them what I really think of their cat.  It could get lodged in the oven on thanksgiving day for all I care. So seriously lady….FUCK YOUR CAT.

If this is what you get paid to do……

Posted in free floating hostility on June 22, 2009 by apexofanger

You should probably kill yourself.

Good luck with that.

Piss off grandma

Posted in free floating hostility on May 30, 2009 by apexofanger

So i’m catching my lunch break at wendy’s and about to leave when my cell rings. It’s the receptionist at my office asking me to pick up a to-go order for some co-workers. So I take a place at the back of the line. Now keep in mind it’s lunch time so there’s plenty of people ahead of me and I’m near the door.  As the recptionist finishes telling me what I need to order the door swings open and an elderly couple enters taking the place in line behind me. In one ear I hear ” and a large iced tea” and in the other ear I hear ” god damn kids, come to wendy’s to eat not make a phone call”

My brain snaps.

See I’ve got this credo I try to live by, and when ever possible try and enforce upon others when I feel they are breaking it. It’s simple really.

Don’t fuck with strangers, you don’t know what kind of nut you might be pissing off.

Only because the wendys is already crowded with the elderly and I don’t particularly feel like brawling an entire shuffleboard league do i not spin like a fucking spider monkey on grandma pisspants behind me and bark in my greatest Rommel impression.

” FUCK YOU wrinklebag! I don’t need any gruff from someone who couldn’t even dial my cellphone if she had to because she’d fallen  and broken her Life Alert medallion!!!”

My mind reels with images of stomping dentures on the curb outside,  I am so angry I can’t react in time. So I just turn, cellphone still to my ear and give her the eye. I am unsure if she notices because she’s only 4 feet tall and her neck no longer bends the direction it would require to see my face. Now I’m an angry fuck, but I’m not a villain. I WOULD have been justified telling Aunt May to back her asshole onto a doorknob, but I didn’t.

I hope she ordered the chili.