Archive for July 1, 2010

it’s the little things

Posted in free floating hostility with tags , , , , , on July 1, 2010 by apexofanger

….that tempt you to fill a super soaker with gasoline and purge the world of dumb with holy fire….

  • Anyone who insists on introducing themselves as the 2nd or 3rd or whatever other denomination. I don’t give a good gutfuck if you happen to be Percy Clanston Whithermeyer III, and neither does anyone else! You know what they say about all sequels to movies being shittier than the originals?! Well that shit is true for people too fucker. You are the shitty replica of someone who came before you…..and they were probably alot cooler. I’m not saying it’s not endearing to be named after your grandfather who stormed Normandy or the like, but you know what? Save that story for when i’ve actually expressed an interest in your sordid family lineage…..I promise you’ll know when I actually care.
    • SUB POINT – if anyone ever introduces themselves as Blah Blah Esquire…’re officially allowed to expose their frontal lobe with an icepick
    • SUB POINT 2 – you don’t need to sign every fucking document with your little roman numeral reminder that your parents are uncreative dicksmokers, really you can just sign the dominoes receipt like a normal person..because I assure you that when the archaeologists of the eons unearth it, that the irony of you ordering a pizza with pepperoni on it while your grand daddy whom you are named after died behind a butcher’s shop with a salami log jammed up his butt in the 1950’s for being a communist will be lost on them.
  • Anyone over the age of 17 who can’t debate like an adult. I like to debate shit; whether it’s politics, religion, literature, movies, music you name it and I can forge a pointless hardline view from which to aggressively argue until blue in the face. It’s like a free adrenaline rush that doesn’t have to end with my face marred by a liberal application of concrete. But god damned if some of these chucklefucks haven’t learned to at least argue better than a primate. Typically when I start spouting off like a dick I at least support my theorem or opinion with SOME KIND OF DATA. You know like…..numbers or facts or maybe even a published article if i’m feeling really saucy. Usually about that time the orangutan on the other side of the debate will begin to fidget and talk increasingly louder as a defense mechanism. It’s funny to watch a grown adult devolve into a toddler right in front of your eyes as they resort to something that used to work on the playground. If you watch really close you can watch their arms twitch as their inner ape struggles to win the debate by shitting in their open palm and tossing it at your face. Really I’d have more respect for you if you just did that instead of just trying to yell over me.
    • SUB POINT – Arguing on the internet does not adhere to these rules. Search the archives of alt.troll for a full tutorial on this…..bring popcorn
    • SUB POINT 2 – Some of you self proclaimed geniuses may be suffering some cognitive dissonance as you asperger on the common expression that most facts are made up on the spot. Sure i’ll give you that, in fact i’ve prolly done it, but if you don’t have the mental agility to make up some better bullshit than me, then you still deserve to lose the argument.
  • Also while on the subject of aspies; anyone who has ridiculous fears or compulsions beyond the age of 4 should be encased in a room with that shit until either they swallow their own tongue or get the fuck over it. If you have a driver’s license, a debit card and are physiologically capable of procreating you aren’t allowed to be afraid of the sound of yellow OK?  It just doesn’t work like that. You want adult privileges yes? Well then I can’t have you obsessively counting the cirrus clouds on the drive to work and then frothing at the mouth when it’s not a prime number.